


The Avengers Help Assemble

by Raeror



Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Crack, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-08
Updated: 2017-07-08
Packaged: 2018-11-29 12:30:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,380
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11440899
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Raeror/pseuds/Raeror
Summary: Nick Fury is a boss, and man that needs a favor, and most importantly, has a gun. Shit gets done.





	The Avengers Help Assemble

The Avengers met in the war room. They had gotten emergency calls first thing in the morning.

"Fury!" Banner rushed in, last one to arrive. "Sorry I'm late. What's the issue?"

"Avengers, first of all, thanks for coming. This will be your greatest mission yet. You are the only people that can help me."

"What is it now, Fury?" Tony said. "Particle Collider gonna blow?"

"Worse." Fury said.

"Coordinated insurgency around the world?" Natascha asked.

" _Worse._ " Fury said.

"An intergalactic overlord is on his way to destroy the planet?" Thor asked.

" **Worse.** "

"What could possibly be harder than that?" Steve said, trying to look stoic but internally quite terrified.

"Build my momma a house," Fury said.

The Avengers stood there stunned. Finally, Clint broke the silence. "What?"

"Last week, an electrical fire burned down my momma's house in Atlanta, and she needs a place to stay. Your job is to build her a new house." He got out a piece of paper. "Here's the address."

"1965, Strange Road. Atlanta, GA." Clint read out. "Is-Is this a joke?"

"Now listen team, my momma is a huge fan of the Avengers. Now it would just make her day to find out that The Avengers built her a new house." He opened his wallet and pulled out a picture. "This this lady here? Beautiful, ain't she? Marceline Wallace. In all of her glory."

"Listen Fury, I get that you have the best intentions and want to be a good son and on, but come on!" Banner said. "Damnit Nick I'm Bruce the Banner, not Bob the Builder."

"Yeah, is this like, I don't know, abuse of power in every possible way?" Tony asked. "You got together the most dangerous people in the world, and Clint, together for something like this?"

"He's right, by the way," Steve said. "This is the most unprofessional thing I've seen a boss do since... Tony, when was the last time you did something?"

"I can't believe I was rushed in here for crap like this!" Clint said. "I'm out of here!"

Nick grabbed him. "Hey Clint. Look at this photo. Tell me, what does Marceline Wallace look like?"

"What?"

Fury yanked Clint to the ground and stomped on his back. "What does Marceline Wallace look like?!"

"What?"

Fury pulled out his gun. "Say what again? Say. What. Again. I dare you. I double dare you motherfucker. Say what one more goddamn time. What. Does. Marceline. Wallace. Look. Like?"

"She's black. And pretty."

"Does she look like a bitch?"

"What?"

Fury put a round into Clint. Clint screamed. "Does. She. Look. Like. A. Bitch?!"

"Noooooooaaaaahhh! You shot meeee!" Clint sobbed.

"Then why you trying to fuck her like one then, friend?" Fury asked. "Mrs. Wallace does not like to be fucked with by anyone except Mr. Wallace." He turned back to the other Avengers. "Now Bruce, you were saying something about best intentions?" Fury asked. "Oh, you were finished!" Fury started pacing around the room. "Now I am going to take my mother out for a nice steak dinner. And then I'm going to drive her to her new house. And there better be a goddamn house when we get back. Do you understand me!?"

"Sir! Yes Sir!" All the Avengers said in unison.

"Now get the hell outta here before I pop a cap in one of yall fool asses!"

The Avengers quickly ran for the door.

* * *

"Okay, we're at the site!" Tony said, landing at the address. "Now people, we have 10 hours before Fury comes home with his mother. Now, the grading has been done, the sites been prepared, and the foundation is ready. So, how are we gonna build this house?"

"Well, the first thing we need to do is take care of that lawn!" Thor said. "Look at it. It's a mess down there!" He raised his hammer.

"Uh, Thor, what are you doing?" Steve asked.

"Mjolnir, defeat this grassy menace!" Harnessing the power of his hammer, Thor cast down a bolt of lightning that exploded upon impact with the ground.

"Thor! You idiot!" Natasha said. "We have lawn mowers for this!"

When the smoke cleared, the ground was a barren wasteland. Not a blade of grass in sight.

"Welp, that looks like a job well done!" Thor said proudly.

"A job well done?!" Tony shouted. "Are you serious?"

Upon realization, Thor facepalmed. "Oh my Gods! You're right!" He said ashamed. "What was I thinking?!"

"Damn right what was you thinking!" Tony was incensed. "How could you-"

"I forgot the garden gnomes!" Thor reached into his pockets and pulled out little Viking-themed garden gnomes. He quickly spread them around the scorched earth that used to be called the lawn. "Perfect!" He took a step back to admire his handiwork.

"We're all gonna get shot, aren't we?" Steve said.

"You know what, it's fine. It's fine it's fine, I can get some super-seed to supersede this and grow some new grass in an instant. Let's just focus now on the actual house. FRIDAY, pull up some designs for the best possible home that fits into the Atlanta area."

After a few seconds, Tony put up a schematic. "Alright, I've taken the designs of ever house in a hundred mile radius. This is the ideal house, so it's going to be our template. Banner, I need you to go get wood for the frames."

"Fine." Banner started to transform. "It's Clobbering Time!" His skin turned green as he transformed into the thing known as The Hulk. Hulk jumped off to the nearest woods to get some wood.

Clint realized something. "Wait a second, did he just use-"

"Now is not the time Clint!" Thor said. "Focus for gods sake, man!"

"Alright, she is going to need plumbing," Tony said. "I'm going to go get the pipes, drywall, and concrete. Natasha! Clint! Go get some bathroom and kitchen appliances. Thor, get the electrical stuff. Steve, get furniture."

They all met back up in 20 minutes, materials in tow.

"I've got the furniture!" Steve said.

"Are you serious? What history museum did you pull this crap from?"

"You shut your whore mouth, Natasha!" Steve snapped. "These are classic, established, world-renowned pieces of  _art_ that are timeless."

"Steve, the dust makes it look new."

"How are we going to pay for all of this?" Natasha said.

"With this!" Tony pulled out a card. "The old Iron Credit Card. Never leave the cave without it."

Tony took his materials and threw them at Steve. "Steve, take my pipe."

Steve felt Tony's rod pulse into his stomach. "Fuck. That thing is thick."

Tony look at him, concerned. "What, do you want to stop?"

"No. Keep going. I can take it."

"Say, where's Banner?" Natasha looked around.

"He hasn't come back yet? What are we going to do?"

"Okay, I have an idea," Steve said. "Clint. I need you to shout at loud as you can 'Rem is trash.'"

"O...kay. I guess." Clint looked at the sky. "REM IS TRASH!"

Silence.

"Nothing is happening." Clint said. "Why did you make me say-"

"RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!"

The Hulk landed with a shockwave, taking the Avengers off their feet.

"He said it." They all pointed at Clint.

"How could you guys sell me out like th-"

Hulk smacked Clint and knocked him through three blocks before Clint crashed into a mailbox."

"Don't worry Bruce, Rem will be best girl forever." Steve comforted him.

"Waifu for laifu." Hulk said tearfully. "Waifu for Laifu."

"Hulk, you have the wood." Good work."

"Now that we have all our resources, how are we going to set thing up?" Thor asked.

Leave that to Hulk. Steve said. "He's been watching a lot of JoJo, so the Hulk is now Star Platinum. Hulk, if you could demonstrate."

Hulk nodded. "HULKA!"

"HULKAHULKAHULKAHULKAHULKAHULKAHULKAHULKAHULKAHULKAHULKAHULKAHULKAHULKA!"

Tony watched in amazement as all the pieces came into place. Wood. Drywall. Concrete. Screws. Everything.

"HULKA!" Hulk grabbed the roof and slammed it on the house. The finishing touch.

"Did, did he just build a house by punching it?" Natasha asked.

"Alright. Now we just need to set up the inside. I'll lay plumbing. Natty, get the roof set up. Thor, you can install electricity. I'll take care of plumbing. Banner, get the ventilation. Clint, go install the toilet since you're such a piece of shit." Tony said.

"I already have flooring." Clint moaned, limping along. "Cork is the best floor material for the elderly because it's easy to clean and resistant to slips and fall damage."

"Shut up, Clint!" Tony pulled up a list of flooring materials. "How about this? It's called Coarc. It looks perfect. I'll go get some."

"I'll go get the paint, I'll be right back," Steve said.

The Avengers went to work, setting up the house and moving the plot along in no time!

"Woah, be careful with where you put those cabinets," Natasha told Clint. "Okay just, slide to the left. Wait, take it back now. Just a hop. To the left. To the right. Ugh, take it back now. Wait, are those things crisscrossed? hold on..."

Eventually, after fighting with each other like they were arguing if Iron Man 3 was good or not, they started to make some real progress.

"This house is really starting to come together. I like it!" Tony said. The phone in his Iron Man suit went off. It was Steve.

"Tony, what is Mrs. Wallace's favorite color?"

"Just go call Fury."

"I'm not gonna fucking call Fury. He straight up shot a man! You call him?"

"If you're not going to call him, why do you expect me to call him?"

"Because you have suits made of metal that can block bullets and you have better health insurance," Steve responded.

"Ugh. Fine." Tony used his suit's phone.

Nick. Tony. What's ur mom's favorite color?

Red. Y? R U painting?

Getting paint now.

So house built? :smiley emoji:  
Show me.

Don't ruin surprise. L8R G8R.

"Her favorite color is red," Tony said.

"Okay, what kind of red?" Steve asked.

"Wait, what?"

"What kind of red should I buy, Tony?"

"Just get red."

"Tony there are 80 shades of red right in front of me. Be fucking specific."

"Why does it matter?"

"I'm not trying to get shot, Tony!" Steve shouted. "Shades of a color are what give it individuality! There is a huge difference between scarlet and crimson! Don't you watch the NFL with your San Francisco 49er ass?!"

"The NFL? No. I only watch soccer during the Olympics." Tony said.

"BOI! I AM GOING TO-" Steve remembered his breathing training from the class he took with Banner.  _Breathe in... and breathe out..._  "You know what Tony, we will talk about this later. I'll find something. Don't worry."

Once Steve came back with the one and only true proper shade of red (you know which one I'm talking about), the Avengers painted it down, then took a minute to admire their handiwork.

"Alright, the house is almost finished. We just gotta touch it up, make sure everything is properly installed. Clint, -"

"You know what? No! Clint isn't doing anything! I'm sick of being everybody's butt monkey!" Clint threw down his broom, and flipped them off, walking out the door.

Going down the street, Clint was mumbling to himself. "Fucking Fury thinks he can treat me like shit. Fucking Avengers think they can treat me like shit. I'm Clint Barton! I'm Hawkeye! I'm one of the deadliest men on planet Ear-"

"Momma, are you sure you want to get your hair done?" Nick Fury stepped out of the car.

"Oh baby, if you in a rush, I'll come back tomorrow."

"Oh no momma, you ain't bother me. Not one bi-" Nick noticed Hawkeye out of the corner of his eye. "Yeah momma. Take your time. I'll be outside waiting."

As Mrs. Wallace went into the salon, Nick walked right up to the frozen Clint. "What the fuck are you doing, Clint? Where are the others?" He hissed.

"T-T-They-" Clint steadied himself. He was a brave boy. He was a strong boy. He was a mighty boy. "I'm done with them. They keep calling everything I do crap and walking over me. If they don't want me over there, well then fuck them, and fuck you too."

Nick stood there stunned. Clint walked past him.  _And that is how you take care of business._  Clint thought to himself.  _I'm a grown ass man. I will not be treated like some twelve year old chi-_

"Oh, so you think you can get out of this shit?" Nick said behind him. Nick pulled out his gun and Fury furiously fired, fiercely fracturing femurs into fourths.

Clint fell down in agony, screaming. "Ah, my legs! I can't move my legs!"

"Walk it off." Fury snapped.

The Avengers were finishing up the house just as Nick was pulling up outside.

"Mom, here are the Avengers! And your new house!"

Fury looked at the lawn. It still looked like a desert. "What the-"

Tony's artificial heart, and probably his real one too, didn't beat. He had forgotten to plant the quick grow grass. Fury was gonna kill him. He was going to have more holes in him than the wall to Steve's shower. He was gonna catch so many bullets he would have to rename himself Lead Man.

"You got rid of the lawn? Oh thank goodness! Nothing I hate more than to pay someone to cut grass, or go out every weekend and push that lawnmower around." Mrs. Wallace said.

"It's perfect!" Mrs. Wallace said. "You all painted this house red? It's my favorite color. Oh and this particular shade of red is perfect. I love it."

"Walking inside, Mrs. Wallace gazed at everything around her. "It's wonderful in here! That furniture it beautiful. It reminds me of my house when I was a child."

"Ooh, I like this flooring. What's it made of?"

"Cork," Tony said proudly. "You should be safe walking on it. And it's easy to clean on. Just don't mop. Sweep only."

"That's good. That's really good."

"I'll get all of my stuff right now and start and moving in!" Mrs. Wallace beamed as she went back to the car.

"Avengers..." Nick said with a smile. "You are dismissed."


End file.
